Behind These Hazel Eyes
by SapphireKisses
Summary: She left him with nothing but a note and his entire life fell apart. Six weeks later, she's back.


Disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter and the characters belong to J. K. Rowling. The songs belong to the individual artists/bands.

Song: **Behind These Hazel Eyes **by Kelly Clarkson

Character(s): James Potter and Lily Evans

Genre: Angst/Romance

* * *

_Seems like just yesterday _

_You were a part of me_

_I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong_

_Your arms around me tight_

_Everything, it felt so right_

_Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong_

**J**ames shut the door to his apartment. He checked the time. 7:30. He couldn't remember the last time he'd come home that early. Actually he could. Back when—

He headed to the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of firewhiskey from a cabinet. He contemplated getting out a glass, but decided against it. He could just drink from the bottle.

He headed to the corner of the living room, kicking off his shoes and taking off his coat on the way. He didn't care that they fell on the floor in the middle of the room, there for everyone to trip on. All he wanted to do was head to the pensive in the corner. It had become almost ritual over the past three weeks. Firewhiskey, pensive, photographs, and then somehow he'd find himself miraculously in bed, the house tidied up, a Hangover Concoction brewed and set on his bedside table when he woke up the next morning.

He knew it was Remus who did all of that, but he liked to pretend that it was _her_. That she still cared about him. That she still cared enough to see if he was alive or dead. But that was just a dream. She was miles away. Probably in Australia. Or maybe the United States. Or India.

She'd always wanted to go to India. He didn't understand her fascination with the country. As far as he'd heard it was a dirty third world country whose Wizarding population was too busy avoiding the Muggle world's infinite problems that they'd been consumed by them. But she'd always found it exotic, swayed by striking scenes portrayed in Muggle movies like Moulin Rouge.

James drew out his wand and idly began prodding the silver liquid in the stone basin.

_Now I can't breathe _

_No, I can't sleep _

_I'm barely hanging on_

His wand drew up a silvery thread of memory. He pulled his wand farther and farther away, wondering how far he could stretch it before it snapped. But no, memories didn't snap. They painfully remained intact, never shattering, unless of course they were modified intentionally.

James wished he could wipe out his memory of her. He couldn't. She worked with him. Erasing all memories of her would involve wiping out vital information regarding the Minster of Magic. The two of them had been his primary aides, helping him with problems ranging from what to get his wife for her birthday to negotiating peace treaties with the Ministries of neighboring countries. He couldn't exactly forget half the things the Minister had done in the past year.

However, James thought, watching the ever-thinning strand from the pensive, people could break. Push them too hard and they'd shatter into a million pieces. James was pretty sure he'd already shattered. Remus and Sirius had glued the pieces back together, with cheap Muggle glue that barely worked half the time. James was sure he was going to explode any moment.

He took a huge swig from his bottle, enjoying the burning sensation down his throat. He leaned his head back against the wall. He couldn't sleep anymore, not without alcohol. He just kept thinking about all the things that had gone wrong. It was easiest to blame her. So he did. He blamed her for leaving. He blamed her for his unhappiness. He blamed her for his drinking. He blamed her for not being able to work or sleep or eat or —breathe.

Yet, every night, he couldn't help but sit down and stare at their good times together, through countless photographs. She was perfect in every way in his memory. Kind, intelligent, funny, adventurous… She couldn't possibly be capable of inflicting him with so much pain.

But she had.

James took another gulp of firewhiskey and began sorting through the untarnished memories of their happier times.

It was a cycle. It was ritual. He couldn't break it.

_Here I am, once again _

_I'm torn into pieces_

_Can't deny it, can't pretend_

_Just thought you were the one _

_Broken up, deep inside _

_But you won't get to see the tears I cry _

_Behind these hazel eyes_

"Lily Evans! You're back!"

James' heart skipped a beat, but he didn't look up from his work. He had a deadline for the Minister. He watched out of the corner of his eye as the entire office got up to greet their beloved Liliana Marie Evans. He thought back to the time when he'd have been the first one there, pulling her into a tight hug, embarrassing her by kissing her in public. He only did it because she hated it so much. No, he did it because he couldn't keep his hands off her. She was his other half in every way. He'd really believed she was the one. In fact…

He opened his desk drawer and stared at black box that was still there. He hadn't had the heart to throw it away. He'd put his heart and soul into crafting an engagement ring that would be perfect for her in every way. It had a small band of pure silver with an emerald in the middle, studded with tiny diamonds. A simple, yet elegant design that contained her favorite stones.

"Working hard?" he heard her voice behind him. James turned around, slamming his drawer shut.

"Deadline in two hours. I need to go to France," he responded brusquely. It was polite and civil. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing how he really felt. She'd caught him off guard. He hadn't expected her to come back, especially not to resume her old job. Now he'd have to deal with her on a daily basis.

He forced himself not to think of it as he scratched out the last few words. He could feel her emerald eyes on him as he quickly scanned his report and, satisfied, signed it. He looked up at her.

Her green eyes were staring at him, with all the emotions he thought would have left them. But he blinked and they were gone. Her eyes simply contained the mild curiosity of an inquisitive colleague.

James paused a moment before muttering a quick, "Excuse me." He stepped around her, still feeling her eyes on him. He had a report to deliver.

_I told you everything_

_Opened up and let you in _

_You made me feel alright_

_For once in my life _

_Now all that's left of me_

_Is what I pretend to be_

_So together, but so broken up inside_

"How you been?" her sweet voice sounded behind him. He set down his champagne glass. Couldn't she just leave him alone? Why did she have to look so amazing in her gold dress robes? Why did she have to try to talk, try to be friends? She'd made it perfectly clear that she didn't want anything to do with him when she'd left him. Walked out of his life with nothing but a note.

She wasn't happy, it'd said. She felt tied down by the normalcy and regularity of life with him. She needed space. She needed time. She needed to leave.

She said exactly what she needed. But what about him? Did she not care what he needed? Of course she didn't. He was always so blind to her faults, pretending they didn't exist. Her selfishness, her arrogance, her stubbornness. She always did whatever she wanted to. Even in their Hogwarts days, she'd forced him to change while she herself remained the same. He'd done everything she'd every asked to gain her favor. What had she done for him?

He'd trusted her whole-heartedly. He'd let himself be vulnerable with her. He'd opened up to her, letting her comfort him when his parents had died. And she'd practically thrown all of it back in his face as she stormed out, leaving Sirius and Remus to pick up the pieces of him she'd left behind.

"I've been ok," James answered politely, wishing more than anything that he could throw the champagne glass at her and scream "I'VE NOT BEEN OK! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ASK ME THAT ANYMORE!"

But he couldn't. They were at her Welcome Back party. No. He'd hold it together. He'd pretend that nothing was wrong, that the worst thing in his life was the fact that they were serving only roast beef for dinner, the one thing he couldn't stand to eat.

"That's good," she said, smiling at him.

James couldn't bring himself to smile. He excused himself and headed towards Benjamin Fenwick. He could at least fake a conversation with Ben about work. That didn't hurt so badly.

"Lily keeps looking at you, mate," Ben pointed out a few minutes into their conversation. James swallowed, his heart beating faster as he slowly turned back to look at her. She held his eyes for a moment from across the room before he turned away. He couldn't bear to look at her.

"I'm sure she's just looking around the room," James rationalized for her. He made up an excuse about an early meeting the next day and left Ben. He couldn't stand being there any longer. He had to leave.

_'Cause I can't breathe _

_No, I can't sleep _

_I'm barely hangin' on_

"I'm sorry!"

James paused, hearing her voice behind him. He'd barely headed out of the party when she'd showed up right behind him. The street was empty. The night was dark. There was no moon, no stars, no sound except the music coming from the building behind them.

"You're sorry," he repeated softly, turning around to stare at her. She had the decency to look guilty.

"James—"

"You left me with a note, for heaven's sake Lily. You didn't bother telling me anything. I had no idea you even felt that way. I wake up one morning with a note on the pillow and you're gone along with all of your things. What the hell did you expect me to do?" he yelled at her, his frustrations, pain, and anger all coming through. "You can't just leave and show up six weeks later, expecting everything to just be ok. Because it's not! It's not ok! I'm not ok!"

Lily looked at him for a moment.

"I never meant to hurt you," she whispered. But he heard her. He heard her clearly. And he heard the tremor in her voice. He looked at her. There were tears running down her cheeks.

"But you did," James said harshly, panting with the adrenaline of the confrontation.

Lily sniffled again. James felt his heart wrench in half. No matter how hurt he was, no matter how much pain he was in, he'd vowed to never make her cry, a vow he'd taken the first night they'd spent together. He'd watched her lying curled up to his side when he'd kissed her head and whispered his promise to her sleeping ears.

"Lily—" he started, but stopped himself. He couldn't conjure any words of sympathy for the girl who'd nearly killed him. James closed his eyes and passed a hand over his face. When he opened his eyes again she was gone.

_Here I am, once again _

_I'm torn into pieces _

_Can't deny it, can't pretend_

_Just thought you were the one _

_Broken up, deep inside_

_But you won't get to see the tears I cry _

_Behind these hazel eyes_

"What did she say?" Sirius grilled him.

"Is this why you asked me to lunch?" James snapped, looking around at his two best friends.

Remus looked at him sheepishly. "We were just wondering how you were holding up, Prongs."

"We're just concerned," Sirius agreed.

James knew he should be grateful, not irritated by their concern for him, yet his primary thoughts and feelings were those of anger. It had been less than twenty-four hours since she'd been back. He wasn't so foolish as to fall for her again. He'd done that. Twice. And both times had ended disastrously for him.

"Nothing happened ok?" he insisted angrily. "Stop treating me like a five year old. I know how to handle myself."

"It's just that we know your better judgment tends to elude you when it concerns Lily Evans," Remus said.

James bit back the nasty retort he had. He knew he should be nice to the people that still remained in his life. Especially since he was pretty sure it was Remus who'd cleaned up after him for a month after she'd left. He ought to be thanking them, not pushing them further away.

He settled for a withering glare and threw down his fork and napkin. "I'm leaving," he announced and stormed out of the restaurant, noticing Remus and Sirius exchange pitiful, bewildered glances.

_Swallow me then spit me out _

_For hating you, I blame myself _

_Seeing you it kills me now _

_No, I don't cry on the outside _

_Anymore..._

James had forced himself to work with her for two whole weeks. They'd been civil, talking only when necessary. Everyone in the office seemed to pick up on their tenseness, for they pretty much left them alone. Even the Minister seemed to notice. He'd called James in just that morning to ask if everything was alright. James had put on a brave face and insisted that everything was just fine.

He couldn't afford it to show on the outside any more. He'd already begun applying to other positions. He was a qualified Auror. It had only been through his dad's insistence that he'd taken up the open position of Primary Aide to the Minister. He'd be shocked when his school day crush had turned out to be the other Aide. That's when they'd rekindled their relationship from their Hogwarts days.

"You're moving," Lily stated, startling him. James was working on some research for a meeting he had with Magical Law Enforcement. Not having studied law himself he had a lot of preparation to do before the meeting.

"Pardon?" he asked, disoriented.

"You're leaving because of me." It seemed she'd heard that he had been applying to other positions.

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I need to leave," he said matter-of-factly. There was no point in lying to her.

"No. I should go," she said, shaking her head. James shook his head.

"I've already decided. I've been accepted under Moody. He's going to train me to be a field operative. He's the best Auror in the ministry."

"Congratulations."

Lily silently left and closed the door behind her. James took off his wire-rimmed glasses and massaged his temples. He just couldn't deal with her anymore.

_Here I am, once again_

_I'm torn into pieces _

_Can't deny it, can't pretend_

_Just thought you were the one _

_Broken up, deep inside_

_But you won't get to see the tears I cry _

_Behind these hazel eyes_

"Congratulations, mate!" Ben wished his fervently as James carried the last of his belongings to the car he'd rented for this occasion. They'd had a Going Away party for him the night before. The Minister himself had given him a farewell speech.

He'd barely made a guest appearance there. He was in no mood to deal with Lily and her incessant conversation. But she seemed to get the hint that he didn't want to talk to her because she stayed away.

James gave the driver the address and clambered into the car, using the time to close his eyes and relax. He started his new job in three days.

James carried all his belongings up to his apartment. He considered dumping them on the floor but thinking the better of it, he meticulously put away all his books and other supplies.

For the first time in nearly two months, James wasn't drawn to the Pensive or the photographs in the corner of his room. He had closed that chapter for his life, once and for all.

Exhausted, he headed to his bedroom, intending to sleep for twelve hours straight.

_Here I am, once again _

_I'm torn into pieces _

_Can't deny it, can't pretend _

_Just thought you were the one _

_Broken up, deep inside_

_But you won't get to see the tears I cry_

_Behind these hazel eyes_

James was woken up by a loud knocking on his door. A quick glance at his watch showed that it was 2:30 AM. He sat up, wondering who was braving the pouring rain in the middle of the night. Annoyed, he stumbled in the dark to the door, grabbing his wand.

He blinked in shock to find Lily Evans standing in front of him. He rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes, sure he was dreaming or hallucinating. He wished he'd grabbed his glasses so he could be sure of what he was seeing.

Her hair was mussed, her makeup running down her face, soaking wet. Merlin had she walked all the way?

"Lily?" he asked confused, too shocked for any other emotion at the moment.

"I love you," she said straight away, looking at his eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry!" She began crying again, hugging her shivering self and rocking on the balls of her feet. "I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have left. I love you so much it scared me," she gasped out through the tears.

James couldn't help but simply stand there and stare at her.

Noticing his lack of reacting, Lily's face turned from hopeful to accepting. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. I'll go now," she whispered, turning around.

James finally gained control of his voice. "Lily," he said, his voice weighed down with pain.

He sighed. "Come in," he said at last.

**-X-X-**

**A/N: I've always wanted to write an L/J songfic to this song (you know cuz James has hazel eyes!) but I never had enough inspiration until now.**


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